


i will become what i deserve

by orphan_account



Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, I wouldn't do that to you, but nikolai doesn't really die, first lady!alina, it's a tragedy, president!nikolai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-24 20:10:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20020333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Nikolai is assassinated and Alina's grief and misfortune has no bounds





	i will become what i deserve

**Author's Note:**

> pls don't crucify me (:

*~*~*

I. This is what we call a tragedy.

*~*~*

I held the folded flag as they lowered Nikolai’s body into the ground. I was now the former first lady of the United States of America. It was pouring rain, and the sky was so dark that it was nearly purple.

There were camera crews everywhere. The whole world was mourning. Nikolai was my whole world, he was a symbol of hope and freedom to billions of people. The world had seen his assassination on TV as it happened.

I couldn’t get it to stop playing behind my eyes.

As soon as the ceremony was over, there were cameras snapping in my face asking how I was ‘handing the death of the president’ as if he hadn’t been my high school sweetheart, as if he hadn’t been the father to our two small children.

I reacted badly and took one of the cameraman’s cameras and shoved it into the mud.

I ran for the motorcade and my secret service agents ran with me. Everyone was on high alert because of the assassination.

“Mommy, did you put daddy in the ground?” My three-year-old daughter asked. It was impossible to explain to a three-year-old that their father was dead. That people didn’t just get hit by a bullet and survive.

“Yes, daddy’s at peace now. He’ll rest for eternity.”

My son, only a year old, began crying and his howling sounded like the end of the world.

*~*~*

II. I can feel my mind, wandering again.

*~*~*

I was on the face of every single magazine for at least three months. A rogue Russian terrorist cell was responsible for my husband’s death. A black ops team had taken them out two weeks ago, but discontent was spreading.

Everyone had loved Nikolai, there was a memorial in Central Park, in downtown San Fransisco, at the first Starbucks in Seattle, and at Disneyland. Even as far as the Gold Coast in Australia they had shrines dedicated to Nikolai.

I had my own personal shrine, I’d taken his walk-in closet and posted pictures of us on the walls, I’d pinned his inauguration speech on the walls, his state of the union speech and anything else that reminded me of the good things Nikolai had done for the world.

The world was a much darker place without my husband.

*~*~*

III. But this taste still lingers in my mouth, deceit has ways of sticking around.

*~*~*

It had been six months since I laid Nikolai Lantsov to rest. Genya, my best friend and former Chief of Staff decided that I needed to stop moping. I tried to carry on my husbands legacy, tried to be strong, but without Nikolai there was nothing.

I was nothing.

Genya had to actually undress me and put me in a dress. I don’t know why she thought alcohol of all things was going to help me, she said that if I moved on in a ‘physical sense’ it might be easier.

But I had only ever slept with Nikolai. I didn’t want some drunk heathen in a bar grabbing at me.

Still, when the time came, we took an Uber and I forced myself to order a cosmo. I had never much cared for alcohol.

Genya hovered until I told her to go find someone to dance with.

The drinks went down a little too easy. I didn’t know how many I’d had but suddenly the room was tilting.

I felt a strong hand on my shoulder and things were so hazy, all I could think of was him touching me and I didn’t want to be touched. He had blue eyes and the dingiest brown hair I’d ever seen. Things went black and I woke up to the feeling of hard cement below me. I was sore in places I had no right to be sore and there was an unpleasant stickiness between my legs.

*~*~*

IV. Her Heart.

*~*~*

Genya and Zoya both picked up on my despair, I wasn’t sure what to tell them, so I told them the truth.

Zoya was the first to say that I needed to speak to someone professional.

I told her to get the hell out of my house, she wouldn’t leave so… my secret service staff had to escort her from the premises.

Genya was gentler with me, I think she understood that I was desperate for someone to show some empathy.

“Nikolai would want you to take care of yourself.”

“Nikolai is dead,” I said hollowly.

“Alina, you haven’t left your apartment in… 2 weeks and you haven’t showered in at least the long. I’m concerned,” She said softly.

I leaned in and rested my head on her shoulder. The depth of my grief was infinite, and I would drown if I didn’t come up for air soon.

*~*~*

V. The only thing I’ve been waiting for.

*~*~*

“Sunshine, wake up.”

I bolted upright, Nikolai was the only one who called me sunshine.

It was nearly noon, but… unless I’d gotten _really_ crazy, that was Nikolai’s gold hair in the afternoon sun beaming through my windows.

“Kolya?” Alina asked shakily.

“It’s me, I’m alive, there’s a lot to explain and I know what happened to you.”

“W-what?”

He sits closer to me, and I can see lines in the corners of his eyes where they weren’t before.

“It’s ok, my love, I’m really here.”

I pull him into bed and we lay together for hours, that night he explains to me everything that has happened in the last nine months.

He was aware that there was going to be an assassination attempt and decided to fake his death. No one could know, my Kolya only had help from his two secret service officers, Tolya and Tamar. He’d spent a long time in Great Britain under the assumed name, Sturmhond. He’d done what he always wanted to, and worked in a shipyard. He had only heard word of my… troubles recently and he knew it was going to be hard on me if he came home, he didn’t know if it would be a complete catastrophe.

With a heavy heart, he approached the subject of my night out with Genya. He apologized and his eyes turned glassy that he wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most. We cried together.

The next day we renewed our wedding vows (read: got married under his assumed name) and moved to the UK.

I loved him, now more than ever.

*~*~*

The End.


End file.
